Thank You Jesus!!!!

I cannot believe how alive and wonderful I feel after getting fabulous results back from my CT scan. I wanna run and jump and HUG MY KIDS... and most importantly I've been THANKING MY GOD!!!!! A bad xray sure made me crazy. I am so glad this past week is over and it ended on the sweetest note possible. Healthy has never felt so good!!!!

Hopefully

Well my dermatologist sent me to have blood work, a TB skin test and a chest xray so she could put me on an oral medication for my psoriasis & psoriatic arthritis. I didn't think anything of it. I've done it before several times.
I think my blood work came back fine.
My TB skin test was read as negative but it did turn reddish and swell a little bit. At the time it was read it was about 3mm but it has continued to swell. I'd say it's probably twice that size now. BUT I did find out from my dad and brother that we are carriers. I do not know exactly what that means but I do know it can cause false positives on the skin test so not to rely on that.
My chest xray showed a nodule. I have not been told much more than that. I don't know which lung (not that that matters), I don't know for sure that it is just one but I think it is, I don't know the size or shape (according to the Internet research I've been doing, an xray won't see it if it's smaller than 1cm and it would not be referred to as a nodule if it was larger than 3cm so that does give me some idea of the size of it, I also know the smaller and smoother it is the less likely it is cancerous). I have a CT scan with contrast scheduled for tomorrow. I was told by a doctor, not my doctor, that it was probably scar tissue. He had not seen the xray but he had seen the directions saying I needed another xray or a CT scan. The Internet said that lung nodules found in people under age 35, that only 1% of them are cancer. I keep thinking, 1%, that's not a bad percentage at all. Then I think, well someone has to be that one percent. How can I be so sure it wouldn't be me?! My husband is sure it's scar tissue even though I'm like, from what??? No flu, no pneumonia, no odd career concerns, so from what??? The only option that I found online that even seemed possible was some inflammation thing that could spontaneously cause scar tissue but besides that I am leaning towards, there is no reason I'd have scar tissue there. I'm also a worrier, so I worry. I also tend to feel like if something could go wrong it will go wrong. I mean seriously, the percentage that a woman will have gone through what I've gone through by age 29 has got to be rare. I have psoriasis, psoriatic arthritis, my son has Tourettes and allergies and did have other issues that seem to be better now, my daughter has autism, weight issues, sleep problems, IBS, I have weight issues, oh my son and I both have eye problems, I failed in my first marriage and more often than not it seems that I am failing at this one too, I have major baggage from my childhood (lots of stuff I could list from that time period), I flipped my car while trying to put chap stick back in my purse... I mean I seem to be the queen of misfortune. I have blessings, I do. I know that God loves me. BUT I seem to have a life full of issues. Because of that, I do tend to expect the worst... so the night before a CT scan to look at a nodule on my lung is a night of worry.
I hate dealing with this worry alone. I will be alone tomorrow too. And the day I get the results, I will be all alone.
Maybe being alone is okay, maybe it's better to deal with the good or the bad myself first, instead of sharing the news right away with others. Hopefully I will be sharing great news. Hopefully it was a flawed xray and there is nothing there.

HOPEFULLY!

Suggestions for my ears from my hubby

I am listening to music my husband recommended last night.

First I listened to the new Norah Jones album. That was a good call because he knows I like her. He usually does not like her but he likes the new album.

Right now I am listening to a group called Dead Sara and they are too heavy for me. I am not digging them at all.

--------------------------------------
Finished listening to that cd so now I am listening to Bat for Lashes, which I think I like.

More Books

I have a shelf on my bookshelf that I leave open just to hold their library books. I do not want them to get mixed in with our books or lost so they get their very own shelf. Two piles, Read and Need to Read. So I just went through the piles, 5 books that still need to be read and 6 that have been read so they need to be returned. We also have 17 books on hold at the library so we should be getting more books any day now. Here are the 6 we need to return:

Loved it. They both said it was hilarious. I thought it was cute and agreed with the mommy in the book. Unconditional love!



They loved it. She said "silly"; he said "funny". I thought the ending was sad. I did not care for this book.



She loved it of course, it had unicorns and princesses in it. He said he liked it because it had fantasy in it. A story about an imaginary friend... yeah it was cute.



They said funny. They liked all the bad things he did. That worries me. lol I did like the illustrations.



We changed his name while we were reading this. We used my sons name and it made Johna giggle every time we said Tyler was the bad boy. We discussed afterwards about how he became good when people complimented his goodness instead of focusing on his bad behaviors. They both said they liked this one.



They both loved it. She said it was funny how he got to the moon on an airplane and he said it was funny and happy. I didn't actually care for it. She also said it taught teamwork. :)

Judith Viorst

We have read several of Judith Viorsts books lately. They are:



They loved it. Tyler thought it was funny and Johna thought the book must have been about her. (She is messy.)



They liked this one. Slightly amusing.

They loved this one. Tyler said he "loved loved loved it". Johna is more like Alexander, money burns a hole in her pocket every time she gets any. Tyler is the saver. He knows what he wants and he saves for it.

They loved it. He said it was very amusing. He loved how the kids kept getting up and being mean to each other. He also liked how the parents kept getting mad but then it was time to be up and everyone was happy, even though the kids had been bad. So I think he actually liked the forgiveness and happiness of the ending.

Loved. He couldn't tell me why he loved it but he said he just thought it was a great book. (It seems they love almost all books though.)



He liked this one and she loved it. She loved it because the babysitter ended up being nice. She likes the idea of a babysitter because she never has one.  




They both loved it. She said she loved it because he got revenge and he said he thought it was very funny.




Loved. Very funny.




Hated. He hated it because they said Heaven was not real in the story. She hated it because the cat died and because it did not believe in our faith.



Books

We like to read. I like to read to my kids. No, I LOVE to. At 8 and 10 though it is getting harder to find books that can be read from front to back in one sitting. So, we do read chapter books but we still continue to read quick read kids books. They do have the best pictures! Our library has something called Library on the go which means I can go to the library website and put like 20 to 25 books on hold and they will deliver the books to a box set up at a store up the road. That box happens to be 1 mile from my house, so convenient. There is also a box next to that box for people to return the books. This way I don't have to go to the library but we can still read as much as we want.

These are some books we've read lately.



They loved this one. Funny.



They loved this one. Funny pictures.



My son liked it but my daughter and I loved this one.



They loved this one. Funny.



Too beginner for us. It basically just named tools.



My son loved it but my daughter and I think it was just okay.



They loved this one. I actually think it taught a horrible lesson. My son said it was funny how they could predict when she was dancing. I thought it was horrible how they all wanted her to stop what she loved basically because she was heavy/fat/huge whatever you want to call it. Yes we should take others into consideration but we shouldn't try to talk people out of doing what they love because we don't love that they do it.



They said, "no" and "pretty boring". I think it taught teamwork and about sibling relationships.

Rosie Thomas

While listening to Spotify earlier I happened across Rosie Thomas. I like her.....

♥burn

Tyler called me from school today because he was not feeling well. I picked him and Johna up since it was already after 1pm. I took him to the doctor and now he has medicine for heartburn. When he was an infant he had such horrible acid reflux so really I shouldn't be surprised.

He is feeling better now though so I am happy about that. :)

images

I like cute random pictures so I look up images to go along with my blog. I swear though I get more porn pictures than anyone should ever have to look at. I was looking up picky eater pictures and pictures showing non picky eaters and I had to see gay action and naked women galore. Seriously people that is just WRONG!!!! My daughter is obsessed, no make that OBSESSED, with cats. The thought of letting her online to search cat images is terrifying. People drive me nuts! Why are those pictures even online?! You should have to prove your age to see them, they should not be so easily accessible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This mom is totally ANNOYED right now!!!!

HH

So maybe I am stuck up or something similar but I do not think cooking hamburger helper should be acceptable dinner for my kids. Apparently I cook too fancy ... which is not true. Fancy compared to hamburger helper, maybe... but fancy compared to fancy, heck no, not even close. I take recipes out of cookbooks and off of pinterest and cook them. I use normal ingredients, nothing special. I was informed that everyone hates my cooking. So after spending probably an hour finding recipes for the week and planning the menu and making the shopping list, I threw it all away and spent $300 buying fruit and hamburger helper. Today was day 2 of cooking that stuff. It makes me sad to cook it. I work just as hard cooking food I am ashamed of feeding my family. I work just as hard but get no joy at all from doing it. I do not feel like a good mother like sometimes I do when I have provided my family with a warm dinner.

Pleasing everyone in a family of 5 is hard.

My son hates anything remotely healthy for you, fruits & veggies. He also has a sensitive tongue and often finds things to be too spicy. He is the bread and potato eater.

My daughter does not like bread. She loves fruits & veggies. She likes to eat a lot. She is not really a big meat eater though.

At 18 LJ picks and chooses what he wants and makes sure he gets plenty of what he does like. He doesn't have any specific issue like the other kids though.

John hates anything that even sounds sweet. He also hates bread.

I don't eat onions but besides that my other food dislikes are easy to avoid. I also still provide foods to everyone even if I don't like them. (example: avocado, tomato, pickles, etc) I can cook stuff without eating it. I do not like raw veggies. I could eat sweet potatoes all the time except that my husband hates them.

So instead of cooking a variety of meals that some people like today and others may like tomorrow, now I have to cook hamburger helper. Oh and Tyler thought yesterdays HH was too spicy so he didn't eat it. It was the sloppy joe variety. I have not eaten either night.



Would you LOOK at that sodium?!


... Johna did not like tonights HH so I won't be making the Ranch one again either...

Grade

Well I do not have all of my grades yet, only one in fact. I remember my first semester I got all A's and I was taking 5 classes. I am not that student anymore. :) I got a C in one of my psychology classes. Hey, it's passing so I am fine with it.

That is one more class out of the way. It feels like I will never finish college.

so so song

Some of the lyrics I love and some not so much... the song itself is not that great but I really liked some of the lyrics so I am posting the song anyways....

Autism Speaks Cincinnati Walk

We have participated in the Cincy Autism Speaks walk every year since they first started it. Well not this... we are broke. My husband has been once or twice I think but it is really my passion not his. The whole autism thing is my passion, not his. He thinks Johna will OUTGROW the autism and the issues that come with it. He thinks any and all therapists that work with us or maybe that work with all people are just greedy individuals trying to rob us blind and that they could never possibly help. I won't get into how I feel about it right now because I could go on for hours and I get extremely emotional about the whole thing. I will say sadness, guilt, fear plus others are all involved in how I feel DAILY about the whole autism thing. I am sad that we won't be going this year to the walk. I am honestly mainly sad though because it is something the kids and I have done every year for several years now, it is Our thing, Our vacation actually. We spend the weekend in Cincy. We get a hotel with a pool because the kids and I LOVE to swim... LOVE to. We do something fun like go to the Cincinnati Museum while we are in town. The walk was held at the Cincy zoo the first year but it rained and was not that great. The 2nd year and every year since then they have held it at Coney Island amusement park near Cincy. That was great the first year and not too bad the second but really I wish they'd change it up every year. Johna likes to ride rides but I am terrified of them, they actually make me sick. Tyler does not do well with rides either. John wouldn't be going this year even if he would allow me to but he doesn't care for rides anymore either. So basically amusement parks are pretty dumb for us. Johna cannot ride them by herself. That fact is one of the reasons I also include doing something else fun while we are in Cincinnati because while the amusement park is nice and we are participating in something close to our hearts, it is not really fun. This trip has been the only vacation we get every year so I want to make the most of it for my kids. I am sad we won't be going. Another bad thing about this is that I know once John has said no and I don't go to the walk, it will be easier for him to continue to say no each year so basically we will probably never get to go to the walk again. We will never have our Cincy vacation again. Good thing I am not against pity parties because I am so having one over this. My day to day life is hard and I have nothing particularly fun in it so I looked forward to one weekend of some fun and now that has been taken away too. oh well.....

AUTISM AWARENESS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THOUGH

... so if you're not in the know about Autism,

go look into it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



May 2008
1st Autism Walk




May 2009
2nd Autism Walk
back row: John (my husband), Dave (my mothers husband), LJ (my stepson), Paul (my brother) & Josh (my sisters husband)
front row: Vickie (my mother), Tyler (my son), Jenny (my sister) holding Sophie (her daughter) in her lap, Johna (my daughter), Deanna (my aunt), & me




May 2010
3rd Autism Walk
back row: Dave & my mom
middle row: Jenny (my sister) holding Sophie (her daughter), Johna, Tyler & John
sitting: Denise (my sister) holding Scottie (her son) & me




May 2011
4th Autism Walk
back row: Me, Denise, Donald (my cousin), Josh
middle row: Tyler, Dave, Johna, Nana (my mom), Paul holding Sophie
front row: Papaw (my dad) in the wheelchair holding Scottie & Jenny standing and holding Connor (her son)



Johna

I was worried that Johna had celiac disease because when her pediatrician had lab work done the celiac panel came back and it concerned him. So he rushed us to see a GI in Ohio. Turns out that doctor does not think she has it. The pediatrician checked like four different things and 3 of them came back normal and only one came back positive. So the GI said we can't rule celiac disease out completely but it is unlikely. That is great news! That means we do not have to switch over to the GF/CF diet (gluten free / casein free). The Ohio doctor thinks she has IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). So she is going to start a new medication and he said let her eat plenty of yogurt that has live bacteria in it. So as far as I am concerned it was not horrible news... not fantabulous news either though because I know IBS can be a pain too. So prayers & good thoughts for my precious angel.

A Bitter Song

When she cries...

Britt Nicole

Lovely

It looks like it is suppose to be a lovely day as far as the weather is concerned... mid 70's right now and it is suppose to hit 89 degrees later. Perfect weather for hanging clothes out to dry, which is what I am off to do right now. I know I am silly but I do so love my clothes line.

♪♫

Joy Williams & David Mead

Haunted

I'm not typically a Taylor fan cause a lot of her songs seem too teeny bopper but this song is pretty good. I like the lyrics and some seem relevant.

One of those days...

It is 'one of those days' almost every single day of my life....

If you wanna go ...

Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to say this and mean it but I also know it is not what God wants me to say... so I don't & I won't.

It is a beautiful song though.

Wrong life....

Yes, as a matter of fact some moments do make me feel like I landed in the wrong life. Am I being punished?!

Sunday Sunday ♪♫

So Johna was up at like 4am which means, so was I. We both laid back down at 7am and got up for church at 9am.

I wore my brand new dress to church this morning. It was slightly silky feeling so that was nice.  

Then the kids and I had Chinese for lunch. I ♥ Chinese food. I feel like such a carnivore when I eat there though. I get like 4 meat dishes and some broccoli, so healthy. :-p

When we got home we chilled... they played in Johna's room for 2 hours while I took a nap. 

After nap time we watched movies: Hancock & Push. Tyler liked them both but especially Push. He liked the Bleeders and kept wanting them to scream some more. :-)







Bleeders



I LOVE weekends!!!!

song about me...

I know it's Hanson but it's my name.... and I like the song. :)

Two women, one man...

The thing that makes having two women in my head okay is that they both answer to one man (outside of my head).

The one who wants to travel and reserves hotel rooms and plans a family vacation gets brought back down to earth about financial reasons this family of 5 living off of one income cannot afford said vacation by that man. (When she is not too sad about not getting the vacation she does feel sad for him that he must say no, she knows he hates having to say no to her whimsical ways.)

The woman who wants chickens gets told no by that same man. He reminds her of her already overflowing schedule and how adding more to it is stupid. He is right and she knows it but honestly it still makes her sad not to have these types of experiences with her children.

Two women...

I think I have two different women living in my head.



traveling...



shopping...



One woman dreams about traveling the world to see the glorious sights. She loves to look at clothes and wishes she had the body thin enough to wear them well. She wants to go boating, she wants to ride motorcycles, she wants to have 2 vacations a year, she wants to live The Life.




 



crafty.....

The other woman thinks about raising chickens because they would provide eggs, they would provide learning opportunities and maybe just a neat experience for the children as they grow. She thinks about learning how to sew and actually making things. She thinks about finally finishing the blanket she has been crocheting for about 2 years now. She dreams about making beautiful quilts. She wants to be crafty. She would like to be smaller too but she really just wants to be loved no matter what her size. Healthy is more important than skinny, right? She thinks about cooking healthier and with the possibility of this family starting a GF/CF diet soon that might just be happening no matter which woman is present in my head at any given moment. This woman also dreams about traveling but her travels are never about beautiful sights or about herself, they are about others. She wants to travel to China to adopt a little girl, she wants to travel to Africa to help the many needs they have, she wants to travel to a storm stricken area and help clean... she wants to Save The World.

Is it possible to be a fancy exciting crafty humble good little christian woman?

Is it possible to be that and still be the best wife to my hard working husband? ... the best mom to my wonderfully unique children?

Can I show my children all the beautiful things of the world by always having to stay home? If I somehow managed to show them the gorgeous places would they still remember the needy people that they should always help?

I know my problem, I want it all and that sometimes makes me feel selfish and greedy and sometimes I think well why not, why shouldn't I have some things, some fabulous life experiences? Now, don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed, so very very blessed but seriously sometimes I just get bored....

My kids

My daughter looks a lot like me. We get comments about it all the time. My son does not look like me. BUT my son acts just like me, so it's okay. His bad eating habits, got it from me... his constant need for love, got it from me... his love of talking, got it from me... his odd habit of not really drying off after a shower, lol got that from me too. I LOVE ♥♥♥ MY KIDS!!!!!

No homemade chai for me...

John felt that the system and the cups were too expensive so he said no to letting me buy it.

So, $30 a week for my drinks it is. I ♥ my chai latte!

K-Cup

I am probably so late in realizing this but the K-Cup systems can make tea and hot cocoa also. I think that is awesome. So I went to the Keurig website to check out the systems and the cheapest one is $80 but it got 4/5 stars. It brews in 3 minutes, makes an 8 oz drink and can accommodate a travel mug. Awesome! It would pay for itself too because if I get a chai every day then I spend $30 a week. Plus the actual k-cups are not expensive. I so might need to talk to my hubby about buying me one of these. Totally think it would be worth it!

Napmares

Since I slept so horribly 2 nights ago, yesterday I decided to take a nap. I had a bad dream then too. So that wasn't restful sleep either.
Last night I woke up at 2am and saw that Johna wasn't in bed with me even though she was in my bed when I went to bed. I thought maybe my husband had put her in her own bed so I got up to check. Nope. The hallway and kitchen lights were on so I followed the glow and found her in the living room. She was sitting on the couch holding Reid, our cat, and playing Wii. When she realized she was caught she said, "how did I get here?" lol I told her I did not think so and to get back to bed. So she put Reid back to bed in Tyler's room, that's where she sleeps, and got back into bed. I had to turn the TV and all the lights off because she didn't. I slept good after that. She doesn't sleep well and that is why she sleeps with me so often but I must admit, I sleep better when she is with me.

Sound asleep with her eyes open a little.